Hiring People Sucks: Round 2

This time last year I was dealing with the same dreaded task of hiring people.

I HATE IT. I hate the whole stupid process; it is painful for everyone involved. I note every minor mistake I see and pass judgments about people I certainly don't know and most likely will never meet. But alas, there are multiple positions that need to be filled and try as I might I can not make the perfect employee appear out of thin air. Reading resumes may be the most boring, mind-numbing thing I can think of. Each one is a regurgitation of the same thing over and over and over again. Here are a few gems I have encountered during my latest hunt for people:

• "I have a vast experience of working in clerical capacities and the core functions of this job exactly suits to my in borne talents." Come again? What does that even mean??
• A gentleman who said he was "stricken by Hurricane Katrina" wrote an entire paragraph in the third person and capitalized "He" throughout. If God himself is applying for our Delivery Driver position I suppose we should feel honored.
• "I would like to share with you my love for your company and the superior deserts you offer." Oh, the difference one little "s" makes!
• An applicant for the Fulfillment Assistant spot had nothing but funeral home experience, including embalming bodies and noted at the end of her resume that she enjoys crocheting. Hmmm....not sure how any of that will help in the advertised position but thanks for sharing!
• "Grasping the city and its culture and its music was my first inspiration to a life in this charming city." What are you saying??
• "I am very hard workin". I am sure you are. Must be too busy getting that work done to worry with the "g".
• Lots of people have experience with "costumers". Maybe they've all worked in the movies or at theaters? I personally have a lot of experience dealing with customers.
• "Well versed in enlightening project requirements, exceptional leadership skills, experienced building world-class teams of professionals, establishing vision, setting goals, communicating and motivating, empowering and developing people." Where do I even begin? What is this person saying in this ridiculously long sentence? "Enlightening project requirements" = what? "World-class teams" = bold statement. I think they were trying to beat the record for longest sentence using big words that switch back and forth between the past and future tenses. 

 

This is what I am dealing with people! This crap. Fluffy lies in the same format repeated dozens of times. Oh! And can I go on the record saying that there are some DUMB email addresses out there. Be professional. This isn't a teen looking for a job at the mall. My first email address was froggy139@hotmail but you don't see me using that anymore!