Hiring People Sucks: Round 3

For my third annual installment of "hiring people sucks" (see round 1 here and round 2 here) I thought I would follow a similar format to 2013's adventure and highlight a few of the things I had the pleasure of reading this year. 

• "Extremely sharp memory which is useful in remembering orders" Well that's nice. I see what you are getting at, but the wording sounds odd.
• "Stand for 12 hours periods, maintain high level of excellent." Hours periods? Nope. Level of excellent? Not a thing. Both in the same sentence? Definitely not. *big sigh*
• "Provided patients' personal hygiene." Again, I think I know what you are trying to say, but if you are providing this to someone else it is no longer personal hygiene. 
• "I enjoy the food industry, or I would not be looking for a happy job." Food industry = happy job? Alright, sure. If you did not enjoy the food industry does that mean you would be looking for another emotion job? Sad job? Mad job? 
• "Running food,perping,and exoping", "I had to stack chicken on a boat on the river", "I learned the love of chicken", "I love my job and I made a lot of money" All of these bits of promising information came from the same atrocious resume. This was a young guy who could really benefit from someone proof reading his document. What is "perping" and "exoping"? How exactly do you learn "the love of chicken"? Makes chicken sound like a verb instead of a noun. Telling me you made a lot of money is just inappropriate. 

I have already gone through a round of interviewing at this point and had an encounter I can only describe as slightly surreal: young guy, would NOT make eye contact with me, we walk around the kitchen and packaging room and then I was asking him about his previous jobs. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "I see you worked at Domino's. Why did you leave that job?"

Him: "Well, I was working very hard for $7.25 and my manager was editing my hours."

Me: "Oh, okay, that sounds like a tough situation. It says here that you also worked at the Superdome?"

Him: "No, that is not true."

Me: looking at the resume in my hand trying to figure out what I misread. "Oh, umm... it says 'Mercedes Benz Superdome' here?"

Him: "Yeah, I didn't work there."

Me: with a very confused look on my face "so this whole section is not true?" there was an entire blurb about his position and responsibilities in what I am now realizing was a fictitious job

Him: "Yeah, I was advised that my resume did not look full enough so that is just made up."

Me: "Oh, ummm ok" (silently thinking "WTF?!")

So, as I say every year: I HATE HIRING PEOPLE! I want so bad to print out everyone's resumes, edit them, and then sit down with these people and help them fix this crap they are submitting! It is very clear that folks google templates and phrases to use, but for the person reading them it is oh so painful to work through! I have not officially hired anyone yet, but was able to get a good vibe about two of the applicants I met with. Never a dull moment.